Book of Notessimo

Off-Topic
#1
  1. [u][b]BOOK OF JOHAN[/b][/u]
  3. [u][b]JOHAN 1[/b][/u]
  5. The Gospel of Johan spells death for all the unbelievers of this Earth, upon which the mighty spray of Justin shall be unleashed, cleansing the Earth of all impurities.
  6. And Jean-Denis Boivin saw and came, and all was well upon the Earth, because all the unbelievers were saved through JDB's grace.
  7. And Justin fell and took his place to welcome those whose musical choices were not of the correct quality.
  8. From that day forth, Jean appointed Hypo as his herald and he spread the word far.
  9. Such was the power of Hypo that he called upon the animals of the Earth to do his bidding; he called the ponies, the cows, the deer, the sheep, the deer, and the elephants to come hither, and they did come.
  10. As Hypo looked amongst his crowd, he noted a certain cow, with gorgeous brown skin and white spots.
  11. As he gazed upon the cow, he fell in love.
  12. Such was the romance of Hypo and cow that he called upon the power of JDB and granted the cow a human form.
  13. As the cow rose, Hypo named him DarkChameleon.
  14. Sadly, the cow cursed his name and renamed himself Muselline, because that is much better.
  15. As Hypo and Muselline walked down the desert path, with the animals following, they hummed a beautiful tune together.
  16. And JDB listened and was pleased.
  17. As they walked, they reached a steamy oasis, covered with palm trees and lemons.
  18. They were tired and sat down to rest.
  19. Though they were tired, they were in love, and as all lovers do, they made love to each other.
  20. And all was well.
  22. [u][b]END OF JOHAN 1.[/b][/u]
  24. ---
  26. [u][b]JOHAN 2[/b][/u]
  30. Upon encountering the Garden of Queen, Muselline had enough of Hypo being on top every single time and turned away from their path.
  31. As Hypo was left distraught, Muselline turned around and said: "Yea, I am pregnant." and disappeared in a puff of smoke.
  32. Hypo said: "What the fuck. He's a dude. Or is he?"
  33. And thus came the confusion of Muselline's gender.
  34. In turn, Hypo came to meet the others of JDB's clan. Though they were beautful and were clearly male, Hypo came to miss Muselline's company.
  35. Especially since nobody else wanted to be on the bottom.
  36. Eventually it came to pass that Hypo suffered an alcohol-induced brain attack and went into a coma from which he awoke only briefly to state he was in an alcohol-induced coma.
  38. [u][b]END OF JOHAN 2.[/b][/u]
  40. ---
  42. [u][b]JOHAN 3[/b][/u]
  44. Muselline poofed from area to area, but nobody he could find loved him as much as Hypo did.
  45. He wandered the seas with his newborn child, hoping one day that he would meet Hypo again.
  46. As he sailed, he encountered a large ship out in open ocean.
  47. He climbed aboard and discovered the captain of the ship, the real DarkChameleon.
  48. Muselline was instantly attracted to him and decided to name his child after his two lovers, Highsea Depot.
  49. Together they sailed and lived until a ripe old age. JDB blessed them and brought them up to heaven to reside as Moderators until the time came to cleanse the earth.
  50. Muselline again tired of his name and changed it to Nuselline, which was not entirely pleasing, but it's not like JDB could really do anything.
  52. [u][b]END OF JOHAN 3.[/b][/u]
  54. ---
  56. [u][b]JOHAN 4[/b][/u]
  58. Highsea Depot (to be known as HyC Dpo) roamed the seas in search of inspiration.
  59. HyC met up with Roastmasters and all those other people who I forget because they're OLD and had many adventures (to be explored in Moraeh) which culminated in the first disgrace to Notessimo.
  60. The adventurers were Roastmasters, Unknowned, Skycakes, a deer, Bron Skein, fishrocker, Anthony, Kamarai, kdiuldlea, guitarskills, heartasword and a bunch of other people.
  61. The discovery of... the Share Bug.
  62. The Share Bug manisfested out of Justin's hatred of all that was good and was unleashed upon the Earth.
  63. The Share Bug claimed its first victim, HyC. As HyC laid dying upon the ship, his friends kneeled beside him and kissed him fully on the mouth and sparkles and stars came out of nowhere and roses and flowers and other stuff and this turned into some yaoi manga.
  64. Dead.
  65. Anyways, HyC was dead.
  66. Like, really dead.
  67. DEAD.
  68. And Nuselline met his cow-son again and pulled him close.
  69. "You did well, my son."
  70. As the Share Bug spread throughout Earth, JDB woke up from his year-long nap and proclaimed that for all to live, they would have to build a ship upon which the Share Bug could not reach.
  71. Luckily, the adventurers already had a ship.
  72. They climbed aboard the ship and left every single other person to die.
  73. As they remained upon the ship, they waited for confirmation from JDB that the Share Bug had been defeated.
  74. They stayed for 40 days and 40 nights, which got very boring, so there was obviously some procreation happening.
  75. Finally, JDB came and said, you guys and that one strange female human have to make some babies.
  76. This was at a bad time, seeing as that was already happening.
  77. In any case, the Share Bug had been defeated and they all made it safely to land, where they raised their babies.
  79. [u][b]END OF JOHAN 4.[/b][/u]
  81. ---
  83. [u][b]JOHAN 5[/b][/u]
  84. 9 months later, Fireball gave birth to Nuselline.
  85. JDB was confused.
  86. What the hell just happened?
  87. Nuselline betrayed the Holy Father's trust and was therefore demoted to a Moderator without the green name.
  88. Back down on Earth, Nuselline was growing up again.
  89. He wished to find Hypo upon the Earth again.
  90. Of course, Hypo was still in his coma.
  91. Fireball saw his "son" being so unhappy that he decided to sell his body.
  92. Of course, JDB was like WTF are you doing.
  93. For being stupid, Fireball had a curse placed upon him.
  94. This curse was so powerful that it converted Fireball into a certain anime character by the name of Tsukasa Hiiragi.
  95. And all was well.
  96. Nuselline decided that his "father" was messed up and ran away from home to find Hypo.
  97. He wandered for decades.
  98. He searched and searched until he found the oasis where they first made love to each other.
  99. He was frightened to discover Hypo's skeleton resting upon the sand.
  100. He then realized that a few hundred years had passed, and that Hypo was probably dead.
  101. In a fit of grief, Nuselline laid beside Hypo's body and took his own life.
  102. His beautiful udders were no more.
  104. [u][b]END OF JOHAN 5.[/b][/u]
  106. ---
  108. [u][b]JOHAN 6[/b][/u]
  110. Shit happens.
  112. [u][b]END OF JOHAN 6.[/b][/u]
  114. ---
  116. [u][b]JOHAN 7[/b][/u]
  118. JDB was enraged at Nuselline.
  119. "Why did you take the place of my son?"
  120. "You knew the plan. It did not involve you."
  121. "As a punishment, you are never to see your lover again."
  122. And Nuselline cursed the sky and the ground.
  124. Back on Earth, Tsukasa had trouble adjusting to her life as an animé character.
  125. Her emotions ran wildly and love interests were very strange indeed.
  126. She met Octoviator, a kind and gentle soul who wished to help her in any way possible.
  127. Of course, she did not suspect that Octoviator was actually trying to get into her pants as an ulterior motive, but it was indeed a momentous occasion.
  128. Yea, they travelled the world, converting those who would listen to the gospel of JDB.
  129. Finally, when their monumental task was over, they formed another group of believers, consisting of whoever was not named yet and wants to be in this "story".
  130. The believers were Octoviator, Tsukasa, a deer, mrteddy, uchihakyle, a deer, two deer, Austin, another 104990893 deer, and (etc)
  131. The humans wondered where all the deer came from.
  132. It was discovered that the cookies carried by Tsukasa were attracting them, and Tsukasa decided to discard the cookies because she was very scared of deer.
  133. The believers journeyed through YouTube, Facebook, Chatzy and even Equestria.
  134. The ponies were warm and receptive and even gave bareback rides (except Fluttershy).
  135. Fluttershy instead wore a saddle at all times.
  136. A very small pink rubber saddle.
  137. The saddle was round and had a bubble at the end.
  138. The believers, needless to say, were absolutely disgusted by the idea, and left.
  139. At the end of their journey, Octoviator and Tsukasa had still not made love yet.
  140. Finally, as they lay down in their old age, Octoviator revealed himself as a sentient deer and they had beautiful consensual beastiality.
  142. [u][b]END OF JOHAN 7.[/b][/u]
  144. ---
  146. [u][b]JOHAN 8[/b][/u]
  148. The freakish lovechild of Octoviator and Tsukasa was a sight to behold.
  149. He was beautiful in every way.
  150. He was born in a small province in the northern part of a continent.
  151. They eventually decided upon a name.
  152. They named their child "Jean-Denis Boivin".
  153. And Jean-Denis Boivin created the Earth.
  154. And all was well.
  156. [u][b]END OF JOHAN 8.[/b][/u]
  158. [u][b]END OF BOOK OF JOHAN.[/b][/u]
#2

reserved

#3

WHY. WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS!!!
MY EEEYEESS!
WHAT IS THIS I DON’T EVEN
ET CETERA, ET CETERA, ET CETERA!

Also, Muse didn’t show up until way later.
Their love must have been a secret. :D

#4

Unknown Book

Chapter 1

And Jean saw that the Earth was good, and went to sleep.

End Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Many minutes later, a child was born to a virgin. The child’s name was so great that it cannot be spoken in any language, so he was commonly referred to as “???.” The child grew into a fine man, but was killed when the notessimo tribe was forced into bondage.

End Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Ten score and three years later, a fully grown man appeared before the tribe of Notessimo. No one knew where he came from, and his appearance was like that of no other. He had no name, he was only referred to as “Unknowned.” The man was full of hatred and quickly became loved and tolerated by everyone in the tribe. He quickly rose through the ranks and eventually even led the tribe out of bondage. And apparently he split a sea or something.

End of Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Unknowned had sex with Muselline.

End of Chapter 4

Chapter 5

After bring the tribe out of bondage, Unknowned became the US Government. Soon the tribe grew to hate the “God of Epic” as he referred to himself as, and there was a huge war. After 40 years (and 40 nights), the beast was finally slain. However, Unknowned became full of rage, and died. As in, he fell into a coma. DEAD.

End of Chapter 5

Chapter 6

After a number of centuries, it was discovered that Unknowned was actually a reincarnation of ???. This revelation caused a huge stir in the tribe. Then the stir died off. Unknowned cursed the internet.

End of Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Unknowned resurrected himself one day to tell everyone that he was dead.

Thus ends the tale of Unknowned.

#5

A BUNCH OF NEW CHAPTERS WHAT IS THIS I STILL DON’T EVEN.

#6

The Book of The Legend of V3

Jean said, naw, I’ll make them wait.
And they waited.
All was terrible.

End of Book of The Legend of V3.

#7

Im not there :D

#8

Time to baaaaaaamp this topic.

#9

I wonder what this book would be like if it kept continuing until today. I’d be interested to see all the weird things that this thing can turn us into.

#10

Notessimo: The New Testament

1 Like
#11

Any bets Sonfax is gonna be Joseph?

#12

I’ll be Mary.

1 Like
#13

If this is making fun of the BIBLE. I will have no part in this.

1 Like
#14

I wouldn’t really say making fun of it. I say that it’s based off of it. It’s not meant to offend anybody. It’s just there for a few chuckles.

#15

I’ll be God.

#16

Fine. It’s making fun of the Qur’an. Any better? >_>

1 Like
#17

It’s not making fun of the bible. I’m very religious too; it’s not offensive by any means.

2 Likes
#18

Our Starburst
Who art in Failsafe
Hallowed be thy name
Thy updates come, thy will be done
On Notessimo as it is on the Internet
Give us this day our daily song
And forgive us our earrapes
As we forgive those who earrape against us
And lead us not into bad music, but deliver us from moderators.

2 Likes