Warning Dead Baby Joke not for the faint of heart, or age.
What’s the difference between a dead baby and a shoelace.
…
…
You actually care if your shoelace gets caught in an escalator
when life gives you tomatoes make lemon-aid and leave the world wondering how you did it.
Sandalman, that dead baby joke was kinda gross
Holy gosh! I just got that! 10 being binary for 2! lol It only took me 5 months!
Also, nice jokes Kd. They made me lol.
I am not racist, I am just able to see past that and into the humor.
Blonde Jokes
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, “What’s the story?”
He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor”
She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”
RIVER WALK
There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. “Yoo-hoo!” she shouts, “How can I get to the other side?”
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, “You ARE on the other side.”
AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You’re not really a redhead, are you?
“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!”
“NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT’S A SCARF!”
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, “We were the first in space!”
The American said, “We were the first on the moon!”
The Blonde said, “So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!”
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. “You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!” said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, “We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!”
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?”
She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, “W hoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”
“HELLLOOOOOOO…,” answered the blond. "They’re watch dogs!"courtesy of funny.com
Those very pretty good sp
SMARTASS ANSWER #2 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”
haha 
really, that seems like something I would say LOL
I’d laugh if that really happened. Hmmm. Now I want french fries (otherwise known as ‘chips’ in England)
I FOUND THESE ON FUNNY.COM TOO!!!
I am thinking about trying some of these out!!!LOL
[i]Things to do on an Elevator
CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask “Got enough air in there?”
STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you’re embarrassed when they open themselves.
GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
MEOW occasionally.
STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: “You’re one of THEM” - and back away slowly
SAY -DING at each floor.
SAY “I wonder what all these do?” And push all the red buttons.
MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: “I have new socks on.”
WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: “Is that your beeper?”
TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: “This is my personal space.”
WHEN there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn’t you.
PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
HOLD the doors open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say “Hi Greg, How’s your day been?”
DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: “That’s mine!”
BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
PRETEND you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
SWAT at flies that don’t exist.
CALL out “Group hug” then enforce it.[/i]
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’
THE CURSE!!!11
Holy crap, this is hilarious. I got this from funny.com.
[i]Men are from Mars, Women from Venus RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR:
You know the book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus? Well, here’s a prime example of that. This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca (last name deleted) and Gary (last name deleted).
English 44A
SMU
Creative Writing
Prof. Miller
In class Assignment for Wednesday:
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached. And now, the Assignment as submitted by
Rebecca & Gary:
At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. “A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,” he said into his transgalactic communicator. “Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…”. But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for physically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. “Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel”, Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?”, she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu-udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu-udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. “We can’t allow this! I’m going to veto that treaty! Let’s blow 'em out of the sky!”
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you’re a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
Asshole.
Bitch.[/i]
LOL FUNNY.COm has funny stuff (DUH)
WARNING RATED PG-13
EMBARASSING MEDICAL EXAMS
http://www.funny.com/cgi-bin/WebObjects/Funny.woa/wa/funny?fn=CKX7Z&Funny_Jokes=Embarrassing_Medical_Exams
THIS ONE IS GOOD TOO:
Husband Store
[http://www.funny.com/cgi-bin/WebObjects ... band_Store](http://www.funny.com/cgi-bin/WebObjects/Funny.woa/wa/funny?fn=CL7MP&Funny_Jokes=Husband_Store)
THEY USED YOUR INSTEAD OF YOU’RE
…LOL
YES! I’m so awesome
NO he is pointing to me LOL
wait, no he’s not pointing at you spacepixel. HE’S SCRATCHING MY MONITOR!!! GTFO!!! 
So tTHATS where the scratches on my moniter came from LOL
© 2007-2024 Jean-Denis Boivin
