Me - “Want a muffin?”
Friend’s dad - “Don’t fuck with me!”
At least it’s better than:
Me - “Want a muffin?”
Friend’s dad - “Fuck with me!”
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Which is still better than:
Me - “Want a muffin?”
Friend’s dad - “Fuck me!”
“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” - Casey Stengel
Sorry about the vulgarity, it’s not usual for me, but this is hilarious:
“When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don’t want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life’s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I’m the man who’s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I’m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!”
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Cave Johnson. We’re done here.
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“How can you face your problem, when the problem is your face?”
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a teacher of mine had a shirt that said: “When life gives you mold, make penicillin.” or something like that.
My teacher today, “No, that’s a military institute, with a sergeant to straighten you ALL out!”
Me to my friend, “We don’t need to be straightened out, because we’re not gay!”
[foreign film dub]
Drew Carey: [speaks mock Swedish]
Ryan Stiles: [translating] I love you, but I’ve had too many meatballs!
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. -Steve Martin
“One time:”
“Yay! Monologue!”
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them -Mitch Hedberg
Time signatures are like power gloves, they’re so bad!
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. ~Elayne Boosler
“He isn’t the sharpest knife in the… Place where you… Keep the knives…” -toy story 3
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.
~Ellen DeGeneres
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“I just can’t let go to my feelings of joy toward this song!”
-ViciousViridian on Can’t Let Go(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLnF-QnR1Zw)