How do you do the brackets??
And here’s another one from Funny.com (I removed most of the swears, even though in my opinion it’s funnier with them):
[details=Click to expand] My job sucks. The job itself is pretty okay, it’s just the people I have to work with that make my life miserable.
First, there’s this supermodel wanna-be chick. Ok, I’ll admit, she’s pretty hot, but she’s completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on her makeup. She is extremely self centered and never considers the needs of anyone other than herself. She is dumber than a box of rocks and I find it surprising that she has enough brain power to breathe.
The next chick is exactly the opposite- she might even be one of the smartest girls on the planet. She has endless career opportunities but she’s still here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I doubt she even showers, much less shaves her -ahem- parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive past the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.
But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the frickin’ stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. The guy is baked before he comes to work, after work, and even during work. He probably hasn’t been sober any time in the last 10 years, and he’s only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960’s, and, to make things worse, brings his frickin’ giant dog to work. Every day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walking around half stoned from the second-hand smoke. Heck, sometimes I even think it’s trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald’s and Burger King every single frickin’ day.
Anyways, I drive these idiots around in my van and we solve mysteries and stuff. [/details]
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You’re cute!” Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.” She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’? His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”
All these jokes are from the book “Good Clean Jokes” by Anna Kostick, Charles Foxgrover and Michael Pellowski
Why do elephants have trunks?
no glove departments.
I was up all night wondering where the sun went after it set. Then it dawned on me.
My husband’s so dumb, when the TV broke down, he went into the other room and watched the radio.
Ted: I just spilled beer all over the stove.
Pasty: Oh great. Foam on the Range.
Customer: I would like some coffee.
waiter: How would you like it?
Customer: In a cup!
Neighbor #1: Last night I had a dream that I saw something on your front lawn that made me very happy.
Neighbor #2: What was it?
Neighbor #1: A “For Sale” sign
The patient goes to see the doctor and the doctor says to the patient, I have bad news and worst news! The patient says what’s the bad news and the doctors says you have 24 hours to live and the patient asks how can the worst news compare to the bad news and the doctors says I’ve been trying to contact you since yester day!!!
[details=Click to expand]A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. The religious man prayed every single day and night, spending much time at church, while the atheist never even thought of such acts.
However, the atheist lived a good life: an excellent, well-paid job, a beautiful wife, and lovely, healthy, children, whereas the religious man’s job was stressful and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day, and his kids were obnoxious and non-loving.
So one day, while deep into his regular prayers, he looked towards heaven and asked, “Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn’t even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?”
A great voice bellowed out from above, “BECAUSE HE DOESN’T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!”
